The Spark of Hope
The Spark of Hope
Staring into the mirror in my bathroom, wondering if I would ever be truly happy living as the person that has been chosen for me. I live a normal life, without having to want for much; yet somehow I feel incomplete. Most days I just blend into the world around me, hoping that no one will notice that there is something off about me. I try so hard to make sure that I fit in, that I often wonder if I really actually do fit in. It makes no difference though, because this is my life, the one that has been chosen for me.
Some days I will go shopping with my friend, encouraging them to pick out outfits that they would never be able to wear around their parents. Being a supportive friend, I shower them in affirmations and praise when they find outfits they love; even ones that they know they could never wear around their parents. While they look incredible in these outfits, they are not really meant for them. When purchased, my friend chooses to leave the outfits with me; as my parents will not judge them for wearing such risqué clothing. Strategically planned out, I am beginning to test the waters of my own identity; with sound and logical justifications if caught.
As I stand alone in my bathroom, staring into the mirror, looking at myself in my friend’s outfit; I contemplate if I will ever be truly happy. I see myself as I truly want to live; free to dress myself and express myself as I am, not who I was chosen to be. As I look at myself, I feel a warmth from within, a notion of self-worth, believing that I am presenting authentically as myself, the way I always meant to. This wave of euphoria crashes over me, feelings of self love and happiness. Quickly the euphoria recedes, and is replaced with depression. I look at myself, questioning why can’t I be normal. Why can’t I just be happy living as the person chosen for me? Why can’t I just be….? With frustration, I take off the outfit and carefully replace it in my closet; making it look like it was never disturbed. Quietly I lay in my bed and pray.
“One day, just one day is all I want. One day to live as the person I feel that I am inside. All I need is one day where I can feel normal, feel right, feel complete. One day, please God, just one day.”
While silence would overcome my room, this prayer would continuously be blared inside my head. It would keep me awake for hours, nagging at me, calling to me, and forcing tears from my eyes until finally the night would overtake me.
A warm light greets me, and the sounds of the radio playing. Another night has passed, another night where my prayers have gone unheeded. As I begin to awake and recognize everything that is around me; I notice something strange in my hand. Looking at my hand, I notice a crumpled piece of paper; something I must have done the previous night without remembering. Throwing it aside, I make my way to the bathroom and begin preparing for another day. As the warm water washes over my face, I take a deep sigh and stare into the mirror; only this time I am not looking back at myself. Shocked, I scream! I look again and notice that it is me, just not the same me from the night before. I have changed; my hair, my face, my body; they have all changed slightly. I still look like me, just different.
“I must…I must be dreaming,” I proclaimed.
Quickly, back to bed, covering myself with the sheets. Closing my eyes, trying to force myself to wake up from this dream. After a few minutes; nothing has changed. I open my eyes, only to notice that even my room looks different. It looks how I had always dreamed of decorating it; but never would, only because I wanted to be normal…..
Jumping out of bed, I searched for the crumpled paper that was in my hand when I awoke. Maybe the answer lies there? As I found it and smoothed it out, I noticed it only said three words:
“Make it count.”
What does that mean? Make what count? What in the world was going on with me? Fear begins to consume me, as I do not know what is happening.
*knock, knock*
“Yes?” I squeaked out.
“Good morning honey, did you sleep okay?” my mother’s voice said from behind my bedroom door.
“Yes?” I squeaked out again
“Well, good. Breakfast is ready for you downstairs” Make sure you wear that new outfit we got at the store yesterday!” my mother said excitedly.
“Okay….I’ll be down in a minute.” I stammered.
I heard my mother’s footsteps become softer and softer as she went downstairs. Quickly fear overcame me, as my mind raced with questions, trying to process what was going on. What in the world had I agreed to? What was going to happen when my parents saw me? Would they freak out or be calm? How was I going to make it through the day? What was going on?
A blinding light appeared, and I felt a warm embrace, almost like a hug. Yet I could see nothing. As the light dissipated, I noticed again I was holding a crumpled piece of paper. Freaking out, I smoothed it out for it to again have three words written.
“Have no fear”
Have no fear! What in the world is that supposed to mean? Who was giving me these messages? Was I losing my mind? As I could feel fear beginning to overcome me again, I remembered traits I had discovered for conquering my fears. I quickly sat on my bed with my legs crossed, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply. Breathing in, then breathing out, repeating over and over until I felt the fear subside. As I opened my eyes, I realized I was going to have to let this play out. I was going to have to go through my daily routine, hoping that no one would notice me. Moving off the bed and walking towards my closet, I noticed a newly purchased outfit. As I took it out of the bag, I felt a wave of euphoria crash over me. It was the same outfit that I was wearing last night; except now…it was meant for me.
Staring into the mirror, looking at myself, I couldn’t help but smile. I looked exactly how I had dreamed I would look every time I stared into the mirror before. This time, the wave of depression never came; just a smile that I had never seen appear on my face before. Happiness, is this what it felt like? I continued to stare at myself in disbelief, wondering how this could have happened. What felt like seconds, apparently was much longer, as I could hear my mother approaching my bedroom door.
*knock, knock*
“Honey, are you okay?” My mother said, slightly concerned through the door.
“Yes!” I exclaimed back to her.
“Okay, okay, just making sure. You have been up here for a while. Does the outfit look good?” My mother asked.
“It looks perfect,” I said back.
“Yay! Can I come in and see it?” My mother asked.
“Um….,” I looked around nervously as fear began to overcome me. I then noticed the note again reading, “Have no fear.”
“Yes, you can come in,” I answered. The door opened and I saw my mother standing in the doorway looking at me. I closed my eyes and braced for the worst, fearing that she would react horribly seeing me dressed like this. I then felt a warm embrace, as my mother gave me a hug.
My mother then told me, “You look beautiful honey! That outfit you chose is perfect.” My mother had never said something like this to me before. All I had ever heard was criticism for how I dressed, as she felt I never dressed as I was supposed to. I wanted to say something in return, but words escaped me. All I could do was hug her in return, with tears rolling down my eyes.
My mother stated softly, “I wish your father could understand how beautiful you are.”
As I continued my day, living out my life as I normally would, I noticed that things were different than what I remembered, but I could not explain how. Everything I did felt right and normal; and most did not question me for who I was. My friends greeted me with praise and affirmations; claiming that I looked incredibly happy. It was not a lie, I was happy, happier than I had ever been before. I was treated like I was normal, yet this time I did not feel like I was forcing it. I actually felt right, I felt normal, I felt like I was the person I was supposed to be.
Returning home late that night, I could only think about the amazing rush of euphoria that I felt all day. The fear I had felt upon waking that morning was long forgotten. Everything I had feared seemed so silly; as I was seen today as the person I truly am. Upon entering my room to prepare for night, I again looked at myself in the mirror. Seeing this person, my true self, staring back at me was breathtaking. I did not want this day to end, I wanted to stay in this moment forever. As I contemplated how I could make that happen, a bright light appeared, and again I felt a warm embrace. This time, as the light dissipated, there was not a crumpled piece of paper in my hand. This time, there was the hand of another. As I looked upon the person, I began to feel fear overcome me. Quickly, this person sat me down and put their finger to my lips, and in that moment all the fears and worries in my mind turned to silence.
“I am here to ask you how your day went.” The person explained. “I want to know if it was everything that you had wished for.”
I replied, “Today was the best day of my life. I have never felt this happy.”
The person smiled, then replied, “I am very glad to hear that.”
After a few seconds, I asked, “Will it be this way again tomorrow?”
The person leaned in and gave me a hug, then responded, “unfortunately, no.” As they released the hug they continued to explain, “Today was the answer to your prayers. I gave you the one day that you asked for.”
Quickly, I felt myself fill with anger, and I yelled out, “Do you think this was some sort of sick joke? Answering my prayers and showing me true happiness, only to take it away!” I began to cry, as I was in disbelief that this was it for me. Tomorrow, I would have to return to my other life. I would have to be the person that was chosen for me, not the person I am.
The person embraced me again and said, “Today was a gift. I gave you the opportunity to see what life would be like if you lived as the person you truly are. I cannot give this to you for the rest of your life; rather, you have to go out and choose this for yourself.”
“Choose this for myself, what does that mean?” I asked quietly with tears rolling down my face.
“For some people, life does not always place them in the correct situations from the start. You have to first determine what is correct for yourself, and then choose to live that life,” the person explained.
“But, I wanted this life. I want to continue to be this person.” I proclaimed.
The person looked back towards me with a smile on their face. “Perfect, now you will have to choose whether or not to embrace it. It is not an easy choice, and it will come without a lot of obstacles along the way. You will lose parts of your life from before, but you will gain others. Choosing to be your true self is not like choosing an outfit to wear, as it is not something that you can take off. You will wear your true self for the entire world to see. When you embrace that, you will learn what it truly means to live.” They continued, “Today I allowed you to live as your true self, to experience what it would be like. I am sure you noticed that some things were different than before. That is because in making this choice, your life will forever change.”
I glazed over at my closet, looking at the perfect outfit I had worn today. “I want this life, as I have never felt this happy living as myself as I ever had before. Tell me what I need to do, please.”
The person gently touched my face and said, “I cannot. You will have to learn it for yourself. This path is one that you discover for yourself. You can learn from those who have walked it before you, but your path will be entirely different from theirs. I can offer you this. When you awake, you will not remember any of this, but there will be a spark of hope inside of you. You will not recognize it at first for what it is, but that spark will ignite and turn into a flame inside you. That flame will lead you forward, and give you the courage and strength to become the person you were always meant to be.”
With that, the person embraced me again and then was gone. I was left to my own, processing everything that the person had told me. Then, darkness.
A warm light greets me, and the sounds of the radio playing. Another night has passed, another night where my prayers have gone unheeded. As I begin to awake and recognize everything that is around me; I notice something strange inside me. A feeling that I had never felt before. Unexplainable this feeling was, it left me with a notion of comfort, of courage, of strength, of love. Maybe this feeling is a sign that one day my prayers will be answered.